Current mood:

pessimistic

Down in the hole Jesus tries to crack a smile beneath another shovel load.
I'm tired of it anyway, I don't need to see the sun...

So I've smoked a bit of pot lately, and now that I have a clear idea of how it feels and how it affects me, I say "fuck that". I got high with the Aust-man the day before yesterday, and when I awoke, I was still fucking paranoid out of my skull. It was like my anxiety, only fucking WORSE! It would go away, then manifest itself with each new thought. NOT COOL! but it seems to have waned, and maybe I was still a little high when I woke up or something, and I hadn't gotten much sleep. Thank God it seems to be over.

Haven't been doing much of anything lately. (what the fuck else is new!?). Shawn and I are back on speaking terms. Our prospect for a drummer didn't FUCKING WORK OUT! I feel like a solo artist, which should be satisfying, but it isn't. I miss sculpting my songs with the work of a band behind me. Noise! Volume! Energy! We need a second guitarist and drummer, and we're just getting the shit end of the stick, no doubt about it. So here I have been, sitting in my basement through the nights, sculpting songs meticulously that I'll no doubt love, record, tab; then forget a week later as though they never existed. I need to keep track of these things.

I think a normal sleep cycle would help me stay in better contact with Shawn so we can work on some shit. I need to fight to keep my band afloat. Working up the motivation to do much of anything is hard, but this shouldn't feel so much like a chore. But that's the band thing, or lack of, anyway. And I complain about it enough for the 3 of you that read this (Jill, jessie, Gretchen).haha.

I like spilling out my innermost thoughts for people who already know them. This is basically how I word things to myself, since I pretty much assume no one actually reads this thing. It's all so interesting, I'm sure. "Chaz: In Full Color! Come See The Breakdown For Yourself!".

So in other news, Sherri and I broke up after getting back together in December sometime. Irreconcilable differences, I guess. It's funny, because in lots of ways she's like me. But I hate myself, and CONSTANTLY try to pretend I'm many different things to many different people, only I'm none of those things. Maybe that's the funny feeling I got. Maybe she reminded me of what I hate in myself. Sometimes I'll watch one of those cute little indie films (Garden State comes to mind as the most recent) and the girl in the movie is always some fun, adventurous, outgoing (but never too much so), but yet cheekily shy and introverted (we all have to have our cute little flaws, don't we?)chick...Quirky is what they call it, right?

A fun, sexy little quirky girl who brings out the best in the morose, introverted, emotionally dead, yet charming and redeeming-ly attractive young twenty-something. Maybe that's what I want. A gal who brings out the best in me. God knows I'm mopey and depressing enough on my own. I think I need a girl who livens me up. One of those indie film girl-next-door types, who of course will bring out the adventure in me, and get me to realize my true potential in all my endeavors, but yet isn't quite so outgoing that it frightens poor little introverted Pisces guy, yours truly.

Who the fuck knows.

So as I said before, I think most of my personality is a facade. Not that I do it on purpose. I think I scan people, then react accordingly sometimes. Or react to how I feel comfortable in given situations and around given people. All my reactions feel natural, but they're different for each person. Sometime, I'd like to set up a controlled experiment in which I do the EXACT same thing with each person I know separately, then with all of them together, and watch everyone compare notes on how I behave. That would make a great reality tv show.

Ok I'm back. I had to copy write my reality tv show idea. FOX is giving me 2.5 million for it. Not to mention the made-for-tv movie starring Edward Norton as myself.

I was talking to Austin about my childhood, and my views on shit, and my choice of clothing. That was an example of me at my normal, unadulterated state. Hooray for me.

Now I don't want to give everyone the idea that I'm a liar and that I change my personality to fit in with different people. It's just that I think subconsciously, I behave differently with each person. I noticed this a while ago. I noticed today that I project every conversation toward myself, too. I always find a way of adding an anecdote or story concerning myself no matter what subject we're on, and worse yet, I'm conscious of it. I actually picture whoever I'm talking to thinking "There he goes; talking about himself....again.".

Hm.

So I watched "A Nightmare Before Christmas" the other night, and I was a bit disappointed. Not that the movie wasn't any good. It was. I guess I just had assumptions about it that weren't true, based on the hype surrounding it and its main characters. I hear references to Jack and Sally, and how much they loved each other and yadda yadda yadda. "We can be like Jack and Sally" is a phrase I've heard somewhere and that stuck in my mind. I assumed that the movie had some sort of tension or undertones of their hidden love, or some such bullshit. Nope! The broad has a crush on him, then at the end of the film, he tells her he loves her out of fucking NOWHERE, they kiss, and the credits roll. Maybe I missed something, as I WAS a little sleepy and shit as I watched the latter half of the movie, but it really did seem to come out of left field.

Sherri told me that Jack was lonely, and that's what he was singing about in the graveyard. Bullshit. He wasn't "lonely", he was tired of halloween. Thus the plot of the movie in which he decides to bring Christmas, and all of its wonders and joys, to gloomy, spooky Halloween Town. It's not fucking rocket science. Hell, one could gather everything I just said by reading the 4 sentences on the back of the box.

Speaking of which, it said something (I read it a minute ago to make sure I didn't call Sally "Sara" or something) about how she "loved" him. So is this why everyone (including me) has the feeling true love might not be out there? It IS, isn't it? Because movies make it seem so easy.

Look at fucking "Titanic". They met on a cruise ship, and as I recall reading, would have known each other for 3 or 4 DAYS! before the hip went down. Somehow Jack (there's that manly, movie starring character name again) and Rose managed to meet, being complete opposites in almost every way; she was engaged (to a douche bag, but still) at the time, to boot. Opposites, meet, hang out, fuck in a car, and then avoid death together (sort of). How does that happen!? When the fuck do I get to draw broads in the nude, spit over boat railings, fuck Kate Winslett in a parked car, have my best friend get killed by a collapsing smokestack, be handcuffed in the hold of a ship while wearing anachronistic, chrome plated handcuffs in 1912 (Yeah, I knew that fact. Blow me.), Then escape a flooding legendary boat only to freeze to death while proclaiming my love!

Obviously this shit happens everyday, and I want my fucking piece of the pie! (And to fuck 1997-era Kate Winslett!)

Whatever man. I'm getting too worked up over here. My fucking keyboard is melting and the tips of my fingers are chapped and bloodied from typing all this useless horseshit.

Fuck it man, fuck it all!

So I'm tired of it anyway, I don't need anyone.