| Down in the hole Jesus tries to crack a smile beneath another shovel load. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|12:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
I'm tired of it anyway, I don't need to see the sun...
So I've smoked a bit of pot lately, and now that I have a clear idea of how it feels and how it affects me, I say "fuck that". I got high with the Aust-man the day before yesterday, and when I awoke, I was still fucking paranoid out of my skull. It was like my anxiety, only fucking WORSE! It would go away, then manifest itself with each new thought. NOT COOL! but it seems to have waned, and maybe I was still a little high when I woke up or something, and I hadn't gotten much sleep. Thank God it seems to be over.
Haven't been doing much of anything lately. (what the fuck else is new!?). Shawn and I are back on speaking terms. Our prospect for a drummer didn't FUCKING WORK OUT! I feel like a solo artist, which should be satisfying, but it isn't. I miss sculpting my songs with the work of a band behind me. Noise! Volume! Energy! We need a second guitarist and drummer, and we're just getting the shit end of the stick, no doubt about it. So here I have been, sitting in my basement through the nights, sculpting songs meticulously that I'll no doubt love, record, tab; then forget a week later as though they never existed. I need to keep track of these things.
I think a normal sleep cycle would help me stay in better contact with Shawn so we can work on some shit. I need to fight to keep my band afloat. Working up the motivation to do much of anything is hard, but this shouldn't feel so much like a chore. But that's the band thing, or lack of, anyway. And I complain about it enough for the 3 of you that read this (Jill, jessie, Gretchen).haha.
I like spilling out my innermost thoughts for people who already know them. This is basically how I word things to myself, since I pretty much assume no one actually reads this thing. It's all so interesting, I'm sure. "Chaz: In Full Color! Come See The Breakdown For Yourself!".
So in other news, Sherri and I broke up after getting back together in December sometime. Irreconcilable differences, I guess. It's funny, because in lots of ways she's like me. But I hate myself, and CONSTANTLY try to pretend I'm many different things to many different people, only I'm none of those things. Maybe that's the funny feeling I got. Maybe she reminded me of what I hate in myself. Sometimes I'll watch one of those cute little indie films (Garden State comes to mind as the most recent) and the girl in the movie is always some fun, adventurous, outgoing (but never too much so), but yet cheekily shy and introverted (we all have to have our cute little flaws, don't we?)chick...Quirky is what they call it, right?
A fun, sexy little quirky girl who brings out the best in the morose, introverted, emotionally dead, yet charming and redeeming-ly attractive young twenty-something. Maybe that's what I want. A gal who brings out the best in me. God knows I'm mopey and depressing enough on my own. I think I need a girl who livens me up. One of those indie film girl-next-door types, who of course will bring out the adventure in me, and get me to realize my true potential in all my endeavors, but yet isn't quite so outgoing that it frightens poor little introverted Pisces guy, yours truly.
Who the fuck knows.
So as I said before, I think most of my personality is a facade. Not that I do it on purpose. I think I scan people, then react accordingly sometimes. Or react to how I feel comfortable in given situations and around given people. All my reactions feel natural, but they're different for each person. Sometime, I'd like to set up a controlled experiment in which I do the EXACT same thing with each person I know separately, then with all of them together, and watch everyone compare notes on how I behave. That would make a great reality tv show.
Ok I'm back. I had to copy write my reality tv show idea. FOX is giving me 2.5 million for it. Not to mention the made-for-tv movie starring Edward Norton as myself.
I was talking to Austin about my childhood, and my views on shit, and my choice of clothing. That was an example of me at my normal, unadulterated state. Hooray for me.
Now I don't want to give everyone the idea that I'm a liar and that I change my personality to fit in with different people. It's just that I think subconsciously, I behave differently with each person. I noticed this a while ago. I noticed today that I project every conversation toward myself, too. I always find a way of adding an anecdote or story concerning myself no matter what subject we're on, and worse yet, I'm conscious of it. I actually picture whoever I'm talking to thinking "There he goes; talking about himself....again.".
Hm.
So I watched "A Nightmare Before Christmas" the other night, and I was a bit disappointed. Not that the movie wasn't any good. It was. I guess I just had assumptions about it that weren't true, based on the hype surrounding it and its main characters. I hear references to Jack and Sally, and how much they loved each other and yadda yadda yadda. "We can be like Jack and Sally" is a phrase I've heard somewhere and that stuck in my mind. I assumed that the movie had some sort of tension or undertones of their hidden love, or some such bullshit. Nope! The broad has a crush on him, then at the end of the film, he tells her he loves her out of fucking NOWHERE, they kiss, and the credits roll. Maybe I missed something, as I WAS a little sleepy and shit as I watched the latter half of the movie, but it really did seem to come out of left field.
Sherri told me that Jack was lonely, and that's what he was singing about in the graveyard. Bullshit. He wasn't "lonely", he was tired of halloween. Thus the plot of the movie in which he decides to bring Christmas, and all of its wonders and joys, to gloomy, spooky Halloween Town. It's not fucking rocket science. Hell, one could gather everything I just said by reading the 4 sentences on the back of the box.
Speaking of which, it said something (I read it a minute ago to make sure I didn't call Sally "Sara" or something) about how she "loved" him. So is this why everyone (including me) has the feeling true love might not be out there? It IS, isn't it? Because movies make it seem so easy.
Look at fucking "Titanic". They met on a cruise ship, and as I recall reading, would have known each other for 3 or 4 DAYS! before the hip went down. Somehow Jack (there's that manly, movie starring character name again) and Rose managed to meet, being complete opposites in almost every way; she was engaged (to a douche bag, but still) at the time, to boot. Opposites, meet, hang out, fuck in a car, and then avoid death together (sort of). How does that happen!? When the fuck do I get to draw broads in the nude, spit over boat railings, fuck Kate Winslett in a parked car, have my best friend get killed by a collapsing smokestack, be handcuffed in the hold of a ship while wearing anachronistic, chrome plated handcuffs in 1912 (Yeah, I knew that fact. Blow me.), Then escape a flooding legendary boat only to freeze to death while proclaiming my love!
Obviously this shit happens everyday, and I want my fucking piece of the pie! (And to fuck 1997-era Kate Winslett!)
Whatever man. I'm getting too worked up over here. My fucking keyboard is melting and the tips of my fingers are chapped and bloodied from typing all this useless horseshit.
Fuck it man, fuck it all!
So I'm tired of it anyway, I don't need anyone. |
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| I hate coming up with subjects... |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|07:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Basement | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
Tick tock, tick tock...
That's the sound I should be hearing in my head constantly, the soundtrack to my life. It seems like events happen, and things change, and people change, but yet it's all just a blur going on around me.
Since my last update, and mostly all within the same two weeks, I've shaved my head, broken up with my girlfriend, got a job, got fired, and contemplated suicide.
I know it makes me sound like an angst-ridden teen, but it's something I've always thought about. For as long as I can remember, I haven't been able to picture myself as an old man, or even hitting middle age. Death and dying have always fascinated me, and I remember always having the urge to jump out high windows or off roofs, just out of curiosity.
Now for the past few years, I feel like I'm unable to experience the joys of life. Sometimes I have my rare moments when I'm sitting there, maybe hanging a close friend or something, or staring into a certain type of sunset, or the weather is just right and there's a cool breeze and everything is so serene, and I think "Wow. I just feel so alive right now. This is what life is for. This is such a perfect moment.", and I feel so calm and warm and happy inside. But those moments don't happen often.
Normally, everything is grey. Not black. Just grey. I wake up, and I wish for the old days, where I'd enjoy the crisp, chilly, late fall / early winter morning air, and marvel at the sun rising and feeling so warm on my face through the frigid air, and how it pooled 1,000 shades of orange and yellow in the drops of dew on the grass. I'd look around me and hear birds chirping, mostly crows squawking, actually, this time of year. And I'd feel the life and energy and warmth of the whole world washing over me and enjoy the moment as I felt so far away and disconnected from everyone and everything. Everything but the sun, the crows, the crisp air, the dewdrops, the orange leaves, the squirrels... It was all mine.
Not anymore. Now it's all grey and far away. It's all so far away. I'm not surrounded by warmth and birds and sun anymore. I feel like I'm watching them on a far away television screen. All the sounds are blurry and distant. All my thoughts laugh in my face. Icy, menacing thoughts, reminding me of the distance of everything from myself.
Often times, even when I'm surrounded by people, I feel alone and isolated. not in a good way either. I feel like an outsider. I can feel people staring at me, and I can hear them speaking in what seems like a foreign language. Are they talking about me, or are they just doing what humans do? Interacting with each other? Having conversations? Living their lives? I couldn't say. I just try to slip by without being noticed too much and avoid eye contact.
I feel lethargic and kind of drained a lot, too. Just mentally and physically hollow. It feels like such a chore just to do human things like move around, eat...Just being awake feels like a chore. Like it taxes me. Does that even make sense? It feels like I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Not so much out of sadness, but I'm just...tired. Even thinking feels taxing. Like it drains physical energy to think about something too hard. I just want to lay down and shut my eyes and never wake up again, because I'm just so tired. I know that doesn't make sense.
Well, that's enough out of me. I had to take a moment to try to explain myself and see if someone else could tell me if anything makes sense anymore. You see, I don't feel this way because I lost my job or broke up with my girlfriend or shaved all my hair off. That's why I shaved my head, broke up with Sherri, and lost my job.
But maybe it isn't just me...Maybe the world is just losing it's color as it gets older?
-Chaz |
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| I always take a little while to come up with an appropriate subject title... |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Computer room. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | None | ] |
A whole lot of mental white noise...
is what's been going on lately. I sleep all day, and am awake all night. My relationship is falling apart, and I almost don't mind. What an odd change. Something I wanted for so long doesn't really seem as good anymore. It hasn't even been a month. I guess the differences are showing. The incompatibilities are really apparent as of late.
So all I've really been doing for a while is sleeping, eating sometimes, drinking massive amounts of Coke, hanging with Jessie, Austin, sometimes Gretchen, and Hillman once or twice. Zach Witt quit the band to concentrate on school. I need to work on getting us a drummer. I'm so unmotivated. I really want my band to go places, yet I don't even have the motivation to do anything about it. I just sit around my house taking up space. I barely even work on songs anymore. The past week I've felt really creative, but haven't utilized it yet.
I'm glad I've at least had some very fun times with Jessie and Austin. Just hanging around and feeling healthy again thanks to my medicine makes me feel good. But nothing really "newsworthy" has happened in my life, or at least I don't think so. It all seems so uneventful to me.
I count the days as they pass me by...
It feels all I do is sit around, and watch as everyone else's lives go places, and they advance and mature. And I just sit here, almost afraid to go out and live. It seems to be getting better though. I guess it might have been all in my head. Ever since I left school, I felt stunted. Things got worse and worse, and I fell into a huge funk.
Well, I have nothing more to say really.
I'm gonna go eat and whatnot, and try to get Jessie to call me since I'm bored.
-Chaz |
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| Escape from it all to be alone, alone at 5 am... |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:47 pm] |
It feels like someone's strangling me with a belt. My throat is all shitty feeling, and my head feels all stuffy. I hate this damned uncomfortable feeling. And I'm starving, but we have no food, so I'm gonna have to order something with the last of the cash I have. Woop de doo.
Well, I went out this morning and buried the cat. So that's over and done with. That's all I have to say about that. It feels weird digging a grave at 7 am by yourself.
I've been eating and sleeping really shitty the past week, and it kind of scares me. At least I have an appetite again though. Oh well, they say you're only as healthy as you feel, and I'm trying to convince myself I feel ok minute by minute.
I'm fucking exhausted from waking up at 2 am, God dammit. I think I'll make some tea soon. That'll make me feel better. I'm raelly confused about things, and I don't know what to do about them. Since I'm being purposely vague, no one can help me after reading this, but at least know that I'm confused about SOMETHING. hahaha.
My throat is un-tightening itself, thank God.
I really have nothing to say. I'm just really, really bored, and tired. and hungry.
That's all, I guess.
-Chaz |
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| I started my day by watching something die |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|04:52 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home, as usual | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Blind Melon - No Rain | ] |
After getting six shitty hours of sleep, I just kind of sat around waiting to wake up and not feel like shit in preparation for band practice in a few hours. It wasn't working. We had no fucking food or anything, and as usual lately, I was fucking starving kind of.
So I'm sitting around, and at a certain point I heard a loud meow come from out back. I assumed it was George (Janet's cat) squaring off with another stray, so I went out to break it up. To my horror, I step outside and see two large dogs, one of which I think was a pit bull, and that one which has a cat in it's mouth and is swinging it around as it meows.
So I grabbed the nearest weapon I could find (a broom), prepared to fight it. It drops the cat to the ground in a heap and both dogs run away.
The cat meows, and feebly tries to lift its head up. It fails. Then I stand there in the frigid rain, watching the cat lay there and breathe. I notice its back legs are crooked compared to its body. All I can do is stand there and watch it breathe. I watch the breathing slow, and eventually, stop.
I stand there staring some more, harder this time, to be absolutely sure its not suffering anymore. When I realize its making no effort to shelter its ears from the falling rain, I know. I watched it some more for a minute, at least glad that it didn't have to die alone.
I go inside and call the police and tell them about the two dogs, and they tell me they'll send someone out. I didn't have time to wait though, because
It was time for band practice.
At 1:00, Shawn shows up. Luckily for him, he stopped in front of my house, so I didn't have to walk to the end of the street in the rain with my guitar in my hand. I would've fucking choked him. I need to invest in a guitar case, pronto.
So we get to Zach's, and right away the jam is just ON FIRE! Jesus. A vocal amp we can actually hear would be nice, so next time we'll have one, as well as Shawn bringing a keyboard for a few songs. He couldn't bring his car to bring an amp in the back seat because his 700 dollar cold air intake system sucks up water when there's too much rain. I'm not going to get into how dumb this is of Shawn to do on several levels, but I'll just say that Shawn in a fucking moron who loves flashy shit, even if it serves no purpose or makes things worse.
But the jam went great, and then we went out to Stewart's for some grub. Zach's fucking cool so far, we all click well, and it felt like the old days, going out with the band for some food.
Came home, and Shawn wanted to see the cat. We stood there, and I got a good look at its face for the first time. I almost wish I hadn't. I covered it with a towel, and I hope no one runs its body over in the alley.
I'm not sure I have much more to say.
I'll get some food soon. I need my strength...
In a few hours I have to bury a body.
-Chaz |
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| Come on dog, EAT THAT VOMIT! |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|03:58 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | America - Sister Golden Hair | ] |
Hello all. Like...all 2 of you that know about this thing that Jill was nice enough to make for me.
I'm updating because Jill made this journal for me, and dammit, I'm gonna use it.
So here I sit, talking to Jessie about orgasms and sex, and what happens when each partner finishes first. haha. Good stuff.
Yeah so I guess not too much crap has happened since I last updated, but then again some has. Been spending a lot of time with Sherri and all that. Going pretty well I suppose. No titles or anything (yet?). Word.
Started drinking a bit and I'm off my medicine. We'l see how that goes. I missed being able to unwind and drink some with my friends (or by myself haha). As weird as it sounds, it was a major loss of ine when I got all paranoid, and just kind of a small part of my life I guess. Nothing I couldn't do without if I had to, but I like having the option to. I'm Irish, after all.
The band was in the studio, but we didn't even finish a song because we had some problems, and just us recording lacked energy. Then Shawn ran into his friends Jason and Zach (guitar and drums) who were looking to join a new band after their old one was on the rocks. We tried Jason first. Awesome fucking guy, good at guitar, and fit RIGHT the fuck in my out nostalgic ways and musical set up, but he's going off to college. That's ok. We can do without a second guitar for now.
So we finally got around to jammin with Zach a few days ago, and it went AWESOME except for the tiny little amp we had to use for vocals and not hearing that. but things went great. Great drummer, hard hitter...into Bonham and Led Zep. Cool guy, and he said he's down. So hopefully this weekend we'll get another practice going, and start laboring away each weekend and get shit done, hit the studio maybe, and the some shows. I'm very excited.
I don't have much else to say, really.
Bye.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I put a picture of my dick on the internet. WOOOOOOOO!!! I told the NFC I'd do it, and by God, I DID!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v477/Mindwar/10/1.jpg
That's my penis.
Enjoy.
Bye again. |
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| My fucking eyes burn like balls UGH |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|03:18 am] |
Shiiiit. I'm tired. I need to hit the sack soon. I got woken up by some prank caller or something. Some "chick" who rambled on about finding this number in her phone with no name next to it and not knowing who it was, being drunk as fuck, passing out and getting fucked. I had a field day just being a jerk, regardless of whether it was a prank or not.
Oh well. Ugh, I never have anything intersting to say.
I have to go to my family 4th of July thing today. I also need to try to get my prescription refilled. It's been 2 days with no medicine. I'm sure that's not good. Oh well.
Shawn may have found two dudes to fill out our lineup. I hope he didn't say anything stupid to them to try to get them to join, though. He was already telling me that we should let them have their musical freedom on our songs and shit. For now, I'm going to try to get them to play what is written. I didn't write these songs for no reason. Well I hope all goes well with that.
Called Gretchen today to apologize for scaring her. Seems I always call when she's just stepped out of the shower. Apparently this time she was fully naked and dripping wet! I felt so honored. hahaha.
Sat around most of the say, really. Bored. as fucking usual. my sleep cycle is getting better though. Soon I need to get a job. I need money. I feel like a complete fucking loser and it's amazing how often I pray for death in my sleep.
Yeah. Pretty much just sat around, talked to some people, slept, got woken up by the phone at like 1 am, did that, came online, had a nice little conversation with Melinda (*swoon*), talked to Ash from the NFC (good kid, damn good kid), and now I'm talking to Erin Boyle about how she wants to marry her dog.
Oh shit! I almost forgot: I talked to AMBAH on the phone today since I make everyone call me eventually because of my hatred for online talking. That was fun. We talked about the differences between blacks and whites, and compared our Lil Jon impressions. hahah.
Yeah, overall though, a generally dull and worthless day in a stream of other such worthless days that make up my life.
Oh well. What can you do?
That's all I feel like typing. I just figured since Jill went through all the trouble of making this for me, I ought to use it well.
Bye.
-Chaz |
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| Ugh |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|03:11 pm] |
That last message was from Jill. I guess this thing is all up and running, including a really old gross picture of me. Hooray.
Who wants a moustache ride? |
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| Check Check |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|02:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | playing guitar | ] |
Checkity Check Check!
testing.... |
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